[Deactivate Chinese ability]
A charismatic speaker stands before a crowd of several thousand Chinese students of all ages. They raise their hands and shout out as male and female attendees alike have tears running from their eyes. Obviously a very mesmerizing preacher has taken it upon himself to lead god's lost little children to the salvation which can only be known through the salvation of the lord and savior Jesus Christ. But how on earth is such a thing being permitted on Chinese state-controlled television?
[Reactivate Chinese ability]
"Do you realize the sacrifices your parents have made to send you to college?" (The camera pans to more students driven to tears.) "Repeat after me, I - will - not - let - my - parents - down, I - will - learn - English - well." (Attendees all repeat after him in unison). Is this guy a fucking English Bandit manufacturing machine or what? If they're going to be this crazy to make me their "tool" should I feel any remorse if someone shouts their English at me like this and I spontaneously bop the little jackass in the mouth? Welcome to the future of China and a crazy ass dude named Li Yang's genius ploy to become filthy stinking rich: Crazy English.
Wikipedia reads:
His method can be described with the quote "To shout out loud, you learn." Students practice his technique by going behind buildings or on rooftops and shouting English.
Chinese TV is a barrel of laughs, though I'm not exactly sure if the remaining 1.4 billion are laughing their guts out for an hour at a time like me. For my 60 yuan every 6 months, I'm really getting top value for my money!!!
[Click the remote randomly]
[Deactivate Chinese ability]
A young man with a white mask on his face relates an (ostensibly) very emotionally traumatic story in a melodramatic tone. The scene flashes to a restaurant then to a letter. What shameful thing has happened to this poor fellow that leaves him far too vulnerable to reveal his face but which drives him to make sure the world knows about in spite of the terrible compounding of his suffering he much endure to retell and indeed relive it all for us right in our living rooms? Was he first molested at the restaurant? Is the letter one he left as a clue so the police could come and rescue him from the hands of his abuser?
[Reactivate Chinese ability]
The man's voice cracks again as he recalls how he had been deeply in love with his classmate for so many years, but he just didn't have the courage to tell her. He knew he couldn't take it anymore, and he must confess his love to her now or risk never having the chance to be together with her. He relates how he conceived an elaborate "plan" to leave a secret admirer letter which would lead her from one step until the next until she finally ended up at a romantic restaurant where he would be waiting for her.
You have to be fuckin' kidding me. You are not the victim of incest? You have not had a sex change? Your husband is not even cheating on you with the neighbor's bulldog? Why are you wearing a mask you frickin' pussy!!! Take it off and let all the world know you are a sissy boy!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA...
[Click the remote randomly]
A full-figured brunette American girl and skinny Chinese guy embrace and smile lovingly at each other on couch. The room they are in is obviously of Chinese construction. A voice comes on explaining the many difficulties and challenges the girl encountered initially upon arriving in China. Now pregnant with the Chinese guy's baby, she was torn between the demands of her mother to return to the USA to give birth in more modern medical facilities and the frustrations of her now husband that she should make such an ordeal of giving birth as '1.4 billion all came out in Chinese-style medical facilities, and all of them are quite alive and well'.
What a tender love story, I can feel the tears coming to my eyes now. I really appreciate seeing the odd Western Caucasian chick with an Asia dude; anything that can make the whole ordeal of cross-cultural or cross-nation relationships less exotic is good in my eyes.
The scene flashes to the American girl answering some question in Chinese. I have NO FRICKIN' CLUE WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH THIS WOMAN IS SAYING! They flash back to her husband, the guy DON'T DO ENGLISH. They flash back to the girl answering another question, I have no clue what in this universe she is saying... HAHAHAHAHAHA... Did these two have their first date in the bedroom or what? Cause I think the physical mode seems to be about the only way they could possibly communicate. Whaaaaaaat the heeelllllll !!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Love knows no boundaries like... hopefully being able to fluently communicate with one's spouse sometime before you are both admitted by your children to the nursing home?
I'd like to end this one with some screen shots of some of the worst M&M's (mutants and molesters) I've seen flash across my screen in the past few years:
Prune Face of Ten-Thousand Years
Molester Amongst Molesters's Molester Mustache
_
Clip art licensed from the Clip Art Gallery on DiscoverySchool.com
